


swore i’d never lose control

by yutamatic



Series: color me blue [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angsty?, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Relapsing, Sad Mark, Self-Harm, i just wanted to whump you, im sorry mark, sweet caring boyfriend donghyuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-24
Updated: 2019-07-24
Packaged: 2020-07-19 04:35:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19968133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yutamatic/pseuds/yutamatic
Summary: Mark slips, but Donghyuck’s there to pick him back up.





	swore i’d never lose control

**Author's Note:**

> tw: graphic self-harm

Mark throws open the door to the apartment, not caring if it shuts too hard behind him. 

His hands curl around the crumpled papers of his exam results and some make up work the professor gave him so he can possibly save his grade.

He studied his ass off only to fail this exam. He’ll never forgive himself for it. 

The urge burns. 

Fuck, it burns so badly. 

He hastily drops his backpack off in his bedroom. He needs to do it, he needs to do it _now._

Donghyuck has thrown away all the razor blades. Mark has to improvise.

_A knife._

Mark scrambles out of his room to the kitchen. He pulls open the first drawer he sees, desperately looking for something to relieve him. 

There’s a paring knife. He takes it. 

Mark shuts himself in the bathroom. His hands are shaking so much that it’s hard to pull the sleeve of his sweater up. 

His forearm is littered with old scars. 

He bites his lip, bringing the blade to his arm. He makes a sharp line, the skin right below the crook of his elbow splitting a little. 

Blood seeps out. Mark releases the breath he didn’t know he was holding. 

He cuts again. And again. 

The blade get to the edge of his wrist, right where his palm is about to start. He stops there. 

Mark examines what he’s done. His forearm is a mess of red and the cuts are uneven. He cut over some of the old scars too. 

_It stings._ It stings a lot. 

And what’s sick is that he wants it to. Wants the pain to punish him. 

There’s a tear that falls from Mark’s eyes. It lands on his arm, mixing with the blood before dripping into the sink. 

The sink bowl is covered in blood, Mark’s sure someone would panic if they saw the mess he made. 

Mark starts to feel a little dizzy. 

The door clicks. He forgot to lock it. 

Donghyuck steps in, eyes wide as he looks at what’s in front of him. 

Mark blinks. His heart drops to his stomach. 

He can’t move when Donghyuck’s staring at him like that. Staring at him with the most worried, sad, and scared expression ever.

The guilt hits Mark like a ton of bricks. He broke his promise. 

Donghyuck rushes over to him. 

He doesn’t say anything as he takes the knife out of Mark’s hand. He doesn’t say anything as he stops the bleeding and washes Mark’s forearm. He doesn’t say anything as he bandages Mark up. 

Mark doesn’t say anything either. 

Donghyuck pulls him into a hug. His arms circle around Mark’s torso, like they’re protecting him from the demons in his head. 

Mark presses his cheek into the crook of his boyfriend’s neck. Donghyuck smells like coffee, since he works at that nice cafe where they went on their first date. 

There’s a hint of vanilla shower gel he uses in there too, and the scent never fails to calm Mark down. 

Mark cries, the collar of Donghyuck’s barista white button up soaking up the tears. Donghyuck gently runs his fingers through Mark’s hair. 

“I’m sorry.” Mark’s voice breaks as he whispers. “I’m sorry I broke my promise.”

“It’s okay.” Donghyuck’s voice is soft and reassuring. There’s not a tinge of disappointment in it.

Donghyuck brings his hands up to cup Mark’s jaw. “What happened?” he tilts his head, and their gazes meet.

Mark can see the sad in his eyes. The guilt gets worse.

“I failed an exam.” Mark mutters through a few sniffles. 

Donghyuck furrows his eyebrows, confused. “You failed an exam? The _Mark Lee_ failed an exam?” he’s shocked, and Mark only nods his head before burying it back into Donghyuck’s neck to cry more.

“Mark,” Donghyuck whispers. “You’re worth more than a stupid letter grade.” 

Mark knows that when he’s being reasonable. But when he’s in this mindset, where he can only think of hurting himself because he didn’t do well on something academic, logic flies out the window.

“I know.” Mark’s voice is weak as he speaks against Donghyuck’s neck. “I returned to old habits without thinking, I didn’t know what else to do.” 

“I don’t blame you.” Donghyuck presses a kiss to his forehead. Mark melts. “It happens, Mark. It’s okay to slip, you can always get right back up.”

Mark closes his eyes. The only thing he focuses on is Donghyuck’s words and sweet smell.

“I’m not mad that you broke your promise. I’m just sad to see you do this again…”

Mark’s heart sinks even more. Not only has he hurt himself, but he hurt Donghyuck aka the most happy ball of sunshine alive.

“I’m sorry.” Mark whispers.

“Stop apologizing.” Donghyuck cups Mark’s face again. “You’re okay.”

Mark lets out a shaky breath. “I’m okay.” 

“Yeah, you’re okay.” Donghyuck presses their foreheads together. “Just try not to do it...if it happens, it happens. I won’t have you promise me again that you’ll stop doing it. I realize how unrealistic that is. But don’t feel bad, alright?” 

Mark nods a little. “Yeah.”

Donghyuck leans forward, connecting their lips into a gentle kiss. 

“I love you.” he says when he pulls away, and Mark feels warm and fuzzy all over.

“I love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> please stay safe everyone!! i hope all of you are happy and healthy


End file.
